Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Development Arrested

So, why did I call this post “Development Arrested?” The reason why I am in a “woe is me” funk is not only because I am clearly still working through the grieving and mourning process of this life condition (“childless not by choice”), but also because I feel like I am missing out on a key part of life, a key part of my personal development. I am sad that I am missing the life experiences of raising a little person and teaching him/her how to read and important lessons in life, enjoying silly laughter, sharing his/her experiences. Sometimes I can’t relate to women that have kids. I don’t know the lingo or what is popular with families these days; I feel like I am from a different country yet I am familiar with the language and the currency. I read articles in the doctor’s office about child development and they have always fascinated me. My knowledge ends with the last period in the article and I feel like there must be more to the story – but I don’t know what. In a conversation with friends about their families, sometimes I have little to contribute, no experiences to share. I hear some of my friends talk about troubles with kids in school or with teachers and I have no idea what to offer; I haven’t been there and no Berlitz book can help me. Sue Fagalde Lick in her blog, “Childless by Marriage” said, “One of my missions in this blog and my other writing is to make people understand that women who don't have children miss a lot in life, including learning how to take care of them.”

I try to relish the benefits of being childless – like the free time, the ability to stay up late and read a book, or go shopping in the afternoon if I want to. I can go out of town anytime I want (with a call to my pet sitter and available vaca days at work) - my hubby and I are planning a trip to Bonaire! I can donate time and money to a charity for Atlanta’s homeless. I can spend time on my bible study, on work, on a new passion, on figuring out a new life purpose. But many times I feel like these luxuries are so shallow, so hollow. And, I haven’t figured out a new life purpose yet.

If I turn back to scripture, 1 Corinthians 13 outlines what is important in life: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

I do have faith, and I do have hope. I guess I had hoped for more love, more people to love in my life, in my family. Instead, I know I must rejoice in the people that I do have to love! Well, when I am allowed to love them, on their terms. In the meantime, I know the Lord loves me, any time, all the time, and that comforts me.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you answered this earlier,but have you considered adoption?