Sunday, February 1, 2009

Fighting Back the Blob

Maybe the only way to deal with some truth that is holding you back is to get it out in the open and wrestle it down to the ground until it cries "Uncle!" Then, perhaps, forward progression can happen.

For me, the truth I keep most buried is not having kids. Well, "not having kids" is the fact but the truth is I struggle with still wanting to have kids and an age, fertility condition, and husband that do not. I really am fine with it, no really. Or, at least so I think 98% of the time. I am relieved I don't have to deal with (insert rationalization here, as in changing body, fear of losing child, what if I birth an autistic/downs/terror child). I am blessed that I have a great life, wonderful husband, supportive friends, and in these days, a paycheck every two weeks. Isn't that enough?

Luckily, most of the time I can beat back this truth behind the door of the closet, flip the latch, leave it behind and go on about my day. Sometimes, however, it slips out under the door, oozing over the threshold like the Blob and showing up when I least expect it.

This weekend it was over 55 degrees in Atlanta and sunny. I decided to get some solar Vitamin D and went on a bike ride. I rode my (new!) bike from my house to a park along the Chattahoochee river. I wanted maximum sun so I wore short sleeves, but had to go at a sort of fast clip to keep warm. It was great!

Until I stopped at my halfway point; the park opens up into an open field with lots of park benches and pavilions. I always see kids and happy families on the merry go round, so I went past that and got to the first open bench by the grassy field.

Oh, great, there was the Blob. Why did he come too? HE wasn't invited.

It must have been Dad's day out because the field was filled with dads and their 5-10 year old sons and daughters, playing catch of various kinds. Dad #1 playing keep away with his two daughters, Dad #2 throwing a ball to his 4 year old son (who interestingly wanted to wear a long black cape and cowboy boots, hmmm). Dad #3 was trying to play with 3 kids at the same time who a) did not want to play with each other but b) each wanted to play with dad separately. Actually, only two kids wanted to play with Dad, the third kid wanted to sit on the bench and sulk. Dad went between sitting with third kid and then running back on to the field to throw a Frisbee with second kid and tackling first kid.

It was beautiful to see these dads enjoying their kids, but bittersweet at the same time. Were they all divorced families enjoying their last 2 hours of their biweekly visit? Or were they just such wonderful dads that they wanted to give mom some "Me Time" and get everyone out in the sun? I'll never know.

I had to fight back the Blob from sitting with me on the bench, and tried to just enjoy watching everyone interact. It was serene to watch - for about 5 minutes. The Blob just kept inching closer while I was trying whack it back with my water bottle.

I had to go, and after about 0.25 miles I forgot about it and enjoyed the rest of the ride. I must have out-pedaled the Blob. I didn't see him again until tonight while tripping around the web. I ran across another blog and it reminded me of the incident this weekend.

I whacked the Blob back in the closet this time. I think the Blob sightings are farther and farther apart. Is that a sign of forward progression?


yvonne said...

Thank you for writing this. It surprises me, too. And I'm 47. This shouldn't be happening, but it does. Not as often, but every now and then.

Anonymous said...

I could relate to this entry so much! It's been a year and a half since my husband went back to not wanting kids. At this point I am okay with it most of time, but there are those days where it just creeps up. Reading your entry made me feel less alone.